WELCOME TO THE 2026 ALL-TIME, ALL UNIVERSE DRAFT!!!
- Gary Porpora
- 6 days ago
- 8 min read
THE ALL-TIME...ALL UNIVERSE DRAFT
The following is largely a reprint of THE ALL-TIME, ALL-UNIVERSE DRAFT columns first published in 2009 on the, now defunct, deepintosports.com, then, later reprinted on my own blog, swimmingwiththesharks.net...
The idea was inspired by Pittsburgh Post-Gazette sports columnist, Gene Collier, who, presently, also writes columns beyond sports for the PG. Gene’s most recent column can be found here:
All of his columns here:
My opinion: Gene has been the pre-eminent sports writer in America for most of my adult life. His satiric wit is only surpassed by his brilliant insights.
Mr. Collier has also been a frequent guest on WDVE 102.5 FM, the Pittsburgh Steelers’ flagship radio station.
One morning he recounted a little known event that occurred during a lull in a late ’80s NFL draft, before ESPN created the media event it is today.
Seems a bunch of sports writers with nothing better to do devised the first-ever ALL TIME, ALL UNIVERSE DRAFT, (ATAU), pretending the human experience was a sports league of its own.
Each writer agreed to assume the mantle of a Human Experience League, (HEL), “General Manager” and follow two simple rules:
1.) GMs may choose anyone—dead, alive, fictional, or spiritual, for his or her team...
2.) The GM should provide Mel Kiper-esque rationale as to why the pick is necessary and/or explain what qualities the “player” brings to the table.
Beginning in 2009, the crack draft staff at Deep Into Sports successfully pandered to our extremely bright, and somewhat disturbed audience until we gathered a full class of 32 picks.
The following posts feature picks and commentary from friends, family, and several folks who loved the bit and proposed a "pick." Those contributions have been edited and “polished” by yours truly in several reposts since 2009.
Our intent is to spoof NFL Draft gurus from the venerable Mel Kiper, to young guns like Trevor Sikkema and Connor Rogers, mocking the spectacle hype and “expert opinion”-- featured on every major sports outlet on the planet.
Our fictional Draft Team anchored by ATAU draft gurus, OSCAR NUTT and, CHESTER HIPE will provide the "desk commentary"...
Oscar and Chester’s commentary will appear in bold italics throughout...
I hail from Pittsburgh and am republishing the “bit” on swimming with the sharks.net, to commemorate the 2026 NFL Draft celebration in the “Burgh...
As always, we encourage aspiring GMs from all walks of life to make a “pick” for round two whenever they feel the urge…
WITHOUT FURTHER ADO...
Since he gave us permission to pilfer his idea—-and didn’t make us pay him—-Gene Collier, makes the All-Time-All-Universe Draft’s first selection:
1.) With the first pick, the Las Vegas Raiders select Ben Franklin, offensive tackle, University of Pennsylvania. Good size, smart, you can build around him. They built a nation around the guy.
Wow, Chet, shocker or what?
Ozzie, they like this guy’s brain. He helped write one of the greatest playbooks ever written. Scored so high on the Wonderlich test, they thought he cheated. LV might be catching lighting in a bottle.
Some huge names still on the board... Next pick, Chet…
2.) The New York Jets select… Quarterback, out of Godzaga, Jesus of Nazareth…
Christ Almighty, Chet! No surprise here!
Might be the answer to Jets fans’ prayers...
Well, Ozzie, you can bet he was in the top five of most HEL draft boards; look at him in action---here he is throwing the brokers outta the Temple-
-Look at those moves! Gotta admire his commitment.
One of the few who deserves the savior label, Oz. Durable, can withstand a lot of punishment; will definitely take one for the team. Only downside is moments of self-doubt when it counts. Definitely can see him leading the Jets to the Promised Land...
3.) The Arizona Cardinals select FU linebacker, Ron Jeremy…
Huge pick!
Enormous, Oz. Talk about a highlight reel! We’d be here a week and not get through his greatest hits--
--And we know you’ve tried--
--Look at him move; guy’s a load. We interviewed him on the last episode of “HEL Night”.
Funny guy; said his only goal was to be the biggest prick in the league. Definitely knows how to fill a hole–especially the dreaded “A gap”–and he can play every position. Heard he gave a whole new meaning to the Wonderlich test…
Weight issues, though, could be an issue, Chet.
Absolutely, only thing the man loves more than his game is a triple Whopper with the works.
4.) The Tennessee Titans choose...Safety…The Virgin Mary
The Fans love the pick, Chet.
What’s not to love, Oz? She’s a bit of a mystery, deceptive, some people just don’t believe she has the goods… Others are convinced she’s got a little savior in her, too.
Oh, no doubt, people worship her, but can she make the transition from the manger to prime time? She’ll be carrying quite a burden.
She’s done it before, Oz.
You gotta feel for Joseph, though, Chet. Wife and kid go in the top five… Where do you project him going?
What has he ever done? Late rounder, UFA at best...
Imagine how he feels telling the wife to ick-snay on the Astercard-May, or worse, telling Jesus he was grounded?
5.) With the fifth pick in the HEL All-Time, All-Universe draft, The New York Giants select wide receiver…Harry Houdini…
Cleveland taking a risk here, Chet?
No, Ozzie, god knows the hapless Browns can use some magic. Houdini was eighth on my draft board. Escape-ability is his greatest asset. One second he’s there, next second, he’s gone. I think we’re safe in saying the guy’s got great hands--when they aren’t handcuffed.
6.) With the number six pick, the Cleveland Browns select… Duke Blue Devil running back, Beelzebub “Satan” Lucifer!
Is this another Bengal bungle, Chet?
Hard to tell… Lucifer is definitely a power back, but his fiery personality could leave Cincy in an even deeper hole than the one they drafted him to fill. For all his intense strength, Beelzebub has bred dissension at every level he has played–and that includes Pop Warner!
--Dissension?--talk about an understatement...
Maybe, Oz, but lots of Bengals watchers are worried. Cincy is not too far removed from leading the league in the all important Violent-Criminals-to-Total-Players ratio; Lucifer guarantees that Cincinnati will come out on top in that department for years to come.
Plus side, the guy has hooves, can make opponents look awful, and holds onto the ball with demonic passion; could be a devilishly bold move that just might payoff.
Agreed. Tremendous pick for the Bengals, Chet. People forget “The Beezer” goes both ways. Started out as one of the best, then, according to his Head Coach he started gettin’ a little to big for his britches and they had to send him down. Talk about a controversy that has no end in sight.
Yeah, well, don’t forget, guy’s a born leader with the game to match–he can hit you so hard he’ll take your soul. Definitely has some Ray Lewis in him; teammates will follow him to hell.
7.) With the 7th pick, the Washington Commanders take the center from the Mount Sinai U – Moses.
Chester, they say this guy can part a D-line like the Red Sea.
Probably due to the most demanding and unique training regimen in all of sports. His agent says he will contractually demand to spend OTAs and Mini-Camp camp off the Texans’ facilities. He’ll be in the desert for 40 days and 40 nights getting ready for the season.
He also claims to call line assignments designed by God Himself, Chet. Chisels them on stone tablets. Try carrying that playbook around the desert for over a month.
Scuttlebut says the man has a legendary temper, Oz. Upon hearing the Texans’ logo and mascot featured a bull, he threw the tablets off the mountain in a fit of rage...
Saints have the next pick...
8.) With the eighth pick,the New Orleans Saints select from Paris Prep School for Martyrs, quarterback JOAN OF ARC…
Holy shit, Chet! Talk about a born leader –
A warrior, Ozzie, and not afraid to jump feet first into the fire. Question is …is she too young compete at this level? All accounts say she’s got a burning desire to win and is willing to sacrifice everything for her teammates.
Well, lack of experience aside, Chet, I think we can all agree, she was destined to be a Saint.
9.) …Coming up to the stage…With the ninth pick of he 2026 HEL Draft, the Kansas City Chiefs select, from London University, running back, JACK THE RIPPER --
Oh boy, this’ll make the Arrowheads jump for joy, Chet.
Guy’s scary good, Oz. Cuts on a dime and nobody can catch him. Little surprised the Packers took a chance on a guy who’s had several run-ins with the law.
Not afraid to draw a little blood either, huh, Chet?
No doubt. Primary downside is the Ripper’s, let’s say, exciting night life. Loves the ladies, so to speak —
--The tabloids won’t leave him alone.
They’ll love him even more when he’s knifing through defenses…
Hold on here, Chet...
I see a red flag laying on the draft floor, thrown by Charlie “Deng” Feevah, the Saints’ GM…. Looks like there’s an eligibility question over Jesus of Nazareth playing in the Human Experience League.
You know, Ozzie, I was wondering if that challenge would be made. Deng is legitimately worried whether the Jets taking The Christer will hit the bottom line on the Saint’s ticket and apparel sales--and the more serious issue: Is JC a man? Or is he a god?
Chet, no question Saints’ sales will plummet to hell in a handbasket. I mean, we all know Jesus walks on water, but Deng’s got this one nailed. C’mon, this guy’s not human. Nobody’s that good.
Who do you think the Jets have on their board if the ruling goes against them?
Ron Popiel has to be at the top of their list, Ozzie. The guy slices and dices a secondary like a like a moil cutting through baby dick.
Tough call, Chet...George A. Custer looks good but he makes some bad decisions,, No, I’m going with Stormy Daniels--she’s numero uno in position flexibility—wait, the Commish is at the podium to rule on the controversy...
“As HEL Commissioner, I’m ruling against the Saints. Jesus is officially off the board and headed to New York...”
There you have it, Ozzie...Jesus’ humanity is a given, considering the beating he took from his critics. Think about it, has anyone ever resurrected a career like JC?. Guy was as good as dead, then, 2000+ years later he’ still goin’ strong. Christ, the guy’s an iron man—and shows no signs of hanging up the halo…
10.) The tenth pick--wait...the Bills have traded up form the 26th spot--
...What a move; it’s unbelievable Chet! The Buffalo Bills take free safety, BUFFALO BILL!
Talk about the hometown boy making good!
He was born in Iowa, Chet --
--You know what I mean, Oz. Cody puts on a great show for the fans and it has to feel special getting drafted by the team named after you --
--You mean the team that pilfered your name for its corporate aggrandizement?
Good point, Ozzie. Could be another merchandising problem...
11.) With the 11th pick the Miami Dolphins select nose tackle SIDDHARTHA GAUTAMA BUDDHA…
Listen to that crowd, Chester.
Ozzie, are they “booing?”
No, they’re “Buuuing”
So they don’t like the pick?
It’s a tribute to his greatness–forget it. Any event, looks like the 49ers have found their savior.
Sorry, Ozzie, the Buddha has no interest in being a savior. Stats tell the story. In his stellar career he has never made a tackle. Never had to. With his girth, he’s an immovable object in the middle.
But how will he increase the chances of taking his team to Super Bowl Nirvana--I mean you gotta make tackles, hit people in this league. Doesn’t he risk making the Fish a finesse team?
They’ll take that risk. While it’s true Buddha wills never hit anyone on the field, he will meet running backs at the line of scrimmage and gently discusses the nature of existence until they stop running from life and begin to follow a path of moderation away from the extremes of self-indulgence and self-mortification.
You mean, he bores them to death?
Even the refs don’t mess with perfection; won’t even throw a flag on him. One time they called him for planting a tree on an opponent’s logo. After about 49 days sitting under it, he became Enlightened and the refs picked the flag up.
They were Enlightened too?
Negatory, Ozzie, they were trying to get the Big Guy to hit the showers…
TOMORROW--PICKS 12 TO 23...
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