2026 HUMAN EXPERIENCE LEAGUE--ALL-TIME ALL-UNIVERSE DRAFT

WELCOME TO DAY TWO--PICKS 12 THRU 22 --OF THE ATAU DRAFT...

12.) With the 12th pick in the 2026 All Time All Universe Draft, The Miami Dolphins take Maritime University free safety FLIPPER!!! 

You believe it, Ozzie? A team drowning in mediocrity finally gets a defensive franchise player ...

— Well, not really, Oz, the real Flipper was actually a porpoise. Not a Dolphin? 

--Doesn ‘t matter, this kid loves to play, great balance, unreal backward step, good first move—definitely has a nose for the ball…. Coaches think he walks on water

Yeah, but, how fast do you think the ASPCA will accuse an opponent of animal cruelty? 

–That isn’t their only problem; how many teams are going to visit Dolphin Stadium once they fill it with water? 

--One helluva home-field advantage...

With the 13zth pick, our youngest GM, ANNABELLE, picks the huge tight end from Sesame Street College, MR. SNUFFLEUPAGUS…

Big pick, Ozzie, His size makes him a stout blocker, and that fact that almost no one can see him makes him a beast on pass routes.

Controversial, too, this guy sometimes takes plays off. One scout described him as too often invisible-

-But, he’s a crowd pleaser and great with kids…

Let’s bring in Tony Moss, Associate Sports Editor for the Philadelphia Inquirer for the next pick...

14.) With the 14th pick in the ATAU draft, the Baltimore Ravens select quarterback NEIL DIAMOND… 

Music to the ears of Baltimore fans, Chet. 

The Rat Birds are drafting for need.

A Diamond in the rough, so to speak?

No he's been a gem since Pop Warner; filled stadiums everywhere he’s played ...

I love the guy. You ever listen to the lyrics of “Girl, You’ll be a Women Soon”? 

Girl, you’ll be a woman soon

Please come take my hand

Girl, you’ll be a woman soon

Soon, you’ll need a man.

I’ve been misunderstood for all of my life...

But what they’re sayin’, girl, just cuts like a knife...

“The boy’s no good” 

Ooh… Ozzie? Are you blushing? 

A classic panty dropper, Chester. Classic!…And that voice…inspirational, sounds slicker than Mike Tomlin. To a man, his teammates agree there’s no one they’d rather hear calling signals… 

Besides who else has the balls to wear a sequined jacket for the coin toss? 

With the 15th pick, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers select…Middle Linebacker, The Bearded Lady, out of Barnum & Bailey University. 

A surprise pick!! 

Got that right, Ozzie…Nobody could get a good read on this g…uy…g..al…person...

Don’t Get me wrong, she scares people--but that’s never enough in this league

--Definitely a freak...

16.) With the 16th pick, the Jets trade up with Indy and  select Defensive End, Jeffrey Dahmer. 

–Typical Jets pick, Oz?   

Yep, Guy’s a coach killer--

And he probably won’t stop there

–Right on, Chet. the “Dahmimator” eats quarterbacks alive, but this is a risky pick, not in terms of talent but in terms of player psyche. And this guy is as unstable as they get. 

–Literally crazy. 

–Good news is. On the plus side, scouts say he keeps his head in every game-

-–You mean “keeps heads in the freezer, right Oz?

Good thing he doesn’t care about making many friends… 

17.) …With the 17th pick in the HEL ATAU draft the 

the Detroit Lions select quarterback, Ludwig van Beethoven.

This one’s a bit of a surprise, Chet. Beet’s as talented a player as has ever scored a note, but since he’s gone deaf, receiving the play call is an iffy proposition. Calls too many audibles…

Tough to ignore that talent though, Oz. They don’t call this guy Maestro for nothin’. He’s orchestrated more classic comebacks than most QB’s have won outright. The 9th was something special.

18.) With Da 18th pick, the Vikings take… out of Emerald City University, quarterback The Wizard of Oz! 

–Any relation, Oz? 

–I believe he’s a distant cousin on my father’s side, Chet. 

The Minny brain-trust must be seeing something in him that we don’t, since I thought he would be a late second-rounder at best. 

–The kid is a master of deception. His play fakes are things of beauty–

–True, but the question with him has always been, does he have the brains and the heart to play at the next level. 

–And does he have the courage to stay in when things get scary?

--The guy’s magic Chet..With an uncanny ability to make those around him better… 

19.) With the 19th pick in the ATAU draft, the Carolina Panthers select LSDU receiver TIMOTHY LEARY… 

This kid was way too high on Carolina’s draft board, Chet. 

--He was high on everyone’s board. People without a board–- still high as a kite.  In fact, he was on his way up comin’ out of college. Plain and simple, the guy’s on another planet– 

–Definitely plays outta his mind–and just who the Black Cats need to take them the next level, Chet… 

You think Leary can get them to the Big Dance? 

Don’t know about that Chester. I do know he can take them on a journey to the center of their mind.– And once you get there, anything is possible. 

20.) With the 20th selection, the Philadelphia Eagless take nose tackle from Abbey Normal College, FRANKENSTEIN… 

Hold on Ozzie, let’s be clear…do they mean the Mary Shelley FRANKENSTEIN or the Mel Brooks FRONK N. STEEN? 

--Just got off the phone with Howie Rosen, it’s definitely Brooks’ Fronk N. Steen--Abbey Normal guy has loads more talent, stronger, bigger – – Scary big — And well put together, size 17eee feet; you could park a Beemer in his cleats– 

–But not a cerebral guy, Oz —

– With his girth, he doesn’t have to be— 

–Off field issues could be his undoing— –

You mean the birthday party? –Who knew the candles would— 

-–Chester, let it rest, give the kid a chance for a fresh start...

21.) With the 21st pick, the Pittsburgh Steelers land the middle line backer from Death To U, THE GRIM REAPER… 

Sorry, Ozzie, not likin’ the pickl. Guy like TGR can kill a locker room- 

- Awe, c’mon Chet, the guy is a legend and he can really bring down the hammer- 

-You mean, the scythe- 

-That too. Obviously, the Steelers risk bringing down their whole team to send a message to their opponents

What message? 

With TGR, every game becomes a death match...

22.) With the 22nd selection in the 2026 All Time All Universe Draft the Los Angeles Chargers select All-World nose tackle, THE JOLLY GREEN GIANT. 

The G-Men gotta be pissed! 

Everyone thought the Bolts had Zeus in their future..

Chargers taking a big chance here, Chester? 

Gargantuan, considering the guy has to line up 30 yards downfield to stay onside – 

–But once he gets his hands on the ball carrier, he crushes people – 

–Throws ‘em around like pea pods, Ozzie. J Double G shows good balance, with a monster first step, but sometimes seems frozen in the open field. 

-He won’t have to move much, just clog up the middle. Fun fact—the kid is an off-season gardener. 

Should fit right in the City of Angels, Ozzie-

More pressing issue, where they gonna find a helmet big enough to cover his head? 

That’s a rap on day two of the 2026 ATAU Draft...Chester, which teams have your highest grades so far?

The big winners besides, obviously the Commanders who took Moses–a leader who will step right in, and the Jets who found a franchise savior in Jesus of Nazareth–were the Cowboys who plucked Buddha with the number 11 pick...The guy has an inner peace that makes everyone on the field a better player. And the Panthers gotta be ecstatic with Tim Leary. 

Don’t forget the Steelers, Chester, they made their always stout defense lethal with the addition of The Grim Reaper --

Not sure their arch rivals in the Charm City did themselves a favor picking Neil Diamond, though--

How ’bout the losers Chet? 

The Rams and Vikings made what I have to label a couple of reaches with Snufflelupagus and the Wizard of Oz., I mean they are unique talents, but they played in the Animation and Puppet Conference (APC), where, let’s face it, the competition just isn’t as fierce as it is in, let’s say the Serial Killers and Marauders Conference (SKMC)–-you gotta wonder what they were thinking?

True, but when you pass up behemoths like Atilla the Hun and John Wayne Gacey, you’re begging for trouble.

Can’t argue, there, Oz, 

I also question the Bills and Fish, selecting free safeties Buffalo Bill and Flipper. Have to wonder if they were a little blinded by imagined loyalty...

Meanwhile, the Jets got a little bigger and a lot scarier with Mel Brooks’ Fronk N. Steen…

--Aaron Glenn better start taking some violin lessons. 

The final eleven picks of the 2026 ATAU Draft will be in prime time tomorrow night, with bonafide talent still on the board like Sasquatch and Mohammed – 

– He’ll never show up, Chester – 

- He’ll show, he’s gotta be more pissed than a Lambeau Field urinal that Jesus was taken second and he’s still on the board--

--Way too many red flags… 

True and there is still a wealth of talent remaining in the All Dictators and Despots Conference (ADDC)—Stalin, Mussolini, Pol Pot – Think anyone will take a flier on Hitler, Chet?? 

Way too much baggage. Who’s gonna get behind the guy? He proven himself to be a lousy field general and he’s an anti-Semite-—to put it mildly 

Is that good enough reason to bypass one of the sickest players in history? 

That and about 13 million other reasons, Ozzie. 

TOMORROW: PICKS 23-32